There comes a time, when I need a break from my usual extroverted self. I usually am fond of being in the presence of many. However, I feel like all that takes time and energy from me. Also, in most social situations I usually am the center of attention and I slowly became tired of the spotlight. Maybe this is a fluctuating thing, or maybe I am finally growing up. I took winter break off school because the past semester I was on the verge on death by how much stress I put myself in. Once again, I repeated my 2011 thoughts of committing suicide. Three weeks before the year ended I succumbed to feeling happy. I am only 21 years old, I am aware that life is in a constant flux and most of the population are contantly on the hedonic treadmill. However, I chose to take a break from all the pressures of society and listen to my body.I feel like it was a great time for me to heal from everything, since I never fully allowed myself to just be after my father’s death. I never allowed myself to digest the situation and the emotions that went along with it until now. I took the Myers Briggs Test and resulted in the category of ENFP. Some of the descriptions I fall into is being intuitive. Which with everything else, is a good thing and a bad thing. I was drunk pretty much everyday the first couple of weeks of winter break.. after that I soon got bored of the night life and only crave for a pleasant night with wine once in a while. The last five weeks was mainly spent working. I was mainly surrounded by my coworkers..which also took a lot of energy from me because I tend to be the entertainer in the group. I hung out with two men I met via the internet. I stopped speaking to my best friend of 7 years because I finally obtained the courage to value my self worth.
I am currently tired making the effort to see these men. Although I have a great connection with one. I am tired of being the clown amongst my coworkers. I am tired of being put down. I am tired of trying to please others. I’m tired. I just want to sleep on my late fathers lap. Go back in time before he passed away and agree to his dying wish for me. I rebelled for three years after he passed away because my brother, who was my equal replaced his position. Everytime he tried to push me in a certain direction, I just wanted to scream to him “You are not my father!” I dont think he understands my position in the matter. But I now know that everything he did..and does was to push me to greatness..
I yearned to live the night life, to gain experiences, to open my mind to novel perspectives. But where has that gotten me? Nowhere. But I ceased to compare myself with others which is an improvement. Yesterday, however I was asked the question “When are you going to graduate?” by one of the guys I am dating I guess. That just got me thinking. Even though I get along with most people..Maybe I should get along with myself. We came into this earth alone, and die alone right? Although everything has a domino effect seeing it from a functional perspective. We are still selfish creatures. Whatever we do to help others alleviated our emotions in a way.