myself vs. myself

maybe i should just take a break from school. I have suffered from an all or nothing syndrome for too long now. My family isn’t the type to subscribe to the bullshit the business of the medicine tries to sell. But maybe I need medication. I have suffered from fainting spells, anxiety…it has gotten so bad that I couldn’t breathe while driving to my morning class last semester. One day I say I’m fine…happy even. The next I want to die. When I see other people…I don’t show these emotions of course, I guess it’s more about the self fulfilling prophecy that being human we don’t only want others to see us for the good. Maybe that’s why I always posts my travels on the internet and my throwbacks on instagram. Maybe that’s why all I talk about is my body or sex because that’s the only good thing about me. How pathetic. I’m not even that pretty or have the best body ever or traveled every inch of the world. What right do I have to brag about these things? Don’t get me wrong, I do not have a low self esteem a I made it sound like.  Most people actually think I’m happy most of the time. Perhaps its a mask I constantly wear…but I go back to one of my past post again…I really have no obstacles in my life. I don’t have a father. There. Who cares? Other people have worst things in their life. Other people had fathers pass away who didn’t act as fathers at all. At least mine taught me great values and put his family as his top priority. So what could be wrong with me? I am not wealthy. In finances, yes. But we get by. My mom and I get by and I have 4 other siblings that pay for me in most circumstances because I’m the youngest. I am not in the arts and in Los Angeles…I wanted to be a journalists when I was 13 but was demotivated by my mother’s lack of support. [Seriously, move on. It was your 13 year old self’ fault. Not anybody elses not your mom. There are so many 13 year olds that rebelled against their parents. Look at your nephew for example. Stop blaming your mom. And for once in your life please STOP BEING STUPID. YOU’RE PARENTS DIDN’T COME TO AMERICA FOR YOU TO BE FUCKING FAMOUS. THEY CAME SO YOU COULD AT LEAST BE MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN THEY ARE. GET REAL. AT THIS POINT, WITH YOUR STUPID FLUCTUATIONS YOU’RE GOING NOWHERE. I know this. In  reference to freud, my ego is telling me the reality my id fails to realize on a daily basis. Why am I still even writing? GET TO WORK IYA. YOU , NO ONE ELSE, YOU ARE MAKING YOUR OWN OBSTACLES. YOU ARE 21 AT A COMMUNITY COLLEGE. YES PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES, BUT YOU ARE SMART ENOUGH NOT TO EVEN BE ON THIS PATH. TIME TO FUCKING CHANGE IT. GET YOURSELF OUT OF THIS MAZE.

but i’m scared…i’ll be confident one time and then feeling demotivated another…i spoke to the school psychologist twice and have another appointment with him on monday. But everytime I go in there, I don’t know what to say, I can never express myself fully.  Today I learned about drugs such as valium, prozac and of the like that might treat my anxiety…but i don’t have money for drugs….


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