Who am I?

All these questions based on my identity didn’t really matter 3 years ago. But that was when I just got out of high school. and my coocoon of a fantasy life was slowly peeling and every day I got a glimpse of reality.
and reality bites.
What do you want for yourself in a month?
In a year?
In two years?
What do you plan on doing in 5 years? Where do you plan on living?
What is you dream job?
Who, what, when, where and how? blahblahblah
I wish life had a survival guide book so I would meet society’ expectations at the right time.
And I know, one would argue that I shouldn’t be part of the crowd and follow society’s rules. But unfortunately my friend, you have to follow society’ rules to be part of the top hierarchy.
“life is a game, money is how you keep score.” So many people complain about having insufficient funds. I wish they didn’t give me the freedom that they did in high school so I would be better prepared as a 21 year old. Because I am really scared. Granted, I never thought of my self as an individual to legally purchase alcohol.
I’ve improved a lot with my emotions. Granted, last year I wanted to commit suicide on 11/11. But that’s not enough. I can do better. I don’t pay attention to it every second but like every body else I have an invisible wall to protect me from all the bullshit that’s going on. You see, I don’t really have any realiable friends. One that I could call at 3 am to save me from being drunk, lost, or any of life’s unwanted circumstance. I have found myelf to be in a group of friends that is selfish and selectively chooses when they want to be your friend. That’s another story. And being that I am 21 and still in junior college, I feel that my family looks down on me too. I see my mother’s eyes when she looks or talks about Bea. She doesn’t admit it but she favors her more than her own 21 year old daughter. “oh, Bea has such a hard life..” “She is going through nursing.” I DON’T WANT TO BE A NURSE. I already have to meet society’ rules to be successful in 4 years I don’t want to follow my family’s rules also.
I constantly have dreams of death, or me dying. And If I don’t do what I want then what is my purpose in this life? I only have one chance. I’m not saying I am expecting to be famous billionare or the next J.K Rowling. I just want to get rid of all this burden I’ve been carrying around since my father died.
I have shitty friends and I am hesitant to speak to my family. In reality, I have no one. Like I said, I’m pretty good at holding it all together. But sometimes, I wish someone would just hold me and tell me to go explore, to be myself, that my weird ways are the best ways because they are me. I don’t know who else to be and I suck at lying. I just want to be free.

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