Who are you? Who am I?

People may grow old, yet doesn’t mean that they grow up. For 19 years of my life I’ve had troubles determining who I really am. I spend most of my time focusing on who I want to be rather than who I really am… the crazy party girl, or the calm, private reserved one. On most occasions, I’m outgoing, sociable, energetic, yet have self-control. When I am completely intoxicated I turn into someone that isn’t me, someone who has no self-control, and lack of self respect because I find that people enjoy that sort of entertainment. However, the day after, I feel like disgusted, and have lack of self worth. In addition I also spent my time being a wreck, over analyzing situation, or not thinking about an event at all, in essence, both lead to an undesirable outcome.
I’ve lied, not only to others but to myself, which brings me guilt in the end. Moreover, I’ve been a child, a foolish child. It was either my way or nothing. I’ve ruined many relationships because of the way I am. I lost my best friend who was basically my other half because I over analyzed our relationship after a certain event. As for most of my relationships, I created problems when there were none, refused to compromised because I was so stubborn…
Furthermore, the way I am.. or was ruined my most important relationship, or my past…He was my best friend, he knew me the most out of everyone, he understood me more than anyone, and he brought a smile to my face so easily. But I acted irrationally multiple times that I felt that the right thing to do was end it completely. However, that did not end up happening. Only we are still talking after four months of fluctuating feelings, completely ignoring him for a week or two because of the problems that rose in our relationship. But those problems wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t expect so much, or if I communicated more in a decent manner, rather than being in a habit of breaking up multiple times,
(And I apologize to those who have been affected or pulled in to my issues, that was childish of me as well.)
Maybe I’m being too hard on myself at the moment, maybe I’m blaming myself for more than I have done, but I know I have been a child, and it stops right now.

And I apologize to those who I’ve affected

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