ease these emotions and make peace with thy mind.

im sick and tired of crying. im sick and tired of people who don’t give me the importance that i deserve. im sick and tired of running away from my problems. im sick and tired of being sick and tired.

new year: new ways to go about life.2009 was the worst year of my life considering a very tragic event that was on-going throughout the whole year.

my heart has been broken twice.

first time was in 2004, second was last summer. the pieces now dwell in a dark tunnel. Although time has slowly helped me cope with my sorrows.

both years, I lost my brother and my father.

my father’s last words were: You are bright Iya, but very hard headed. I have a plan for you to go to college in the Philippines, i have the money taken care of…Your going to practice medicine and become a doctor…

In the interim if his lifetime, he never mentioned anything about me going to the Philippines. Although i know he always wanted me to become a doctor he also told me he’d supported in anything i chose to do. And in my heart i knew i didn’t want to go to the Philippines..I still don’t want to go. But at the time, i couldn’t oppose of what he said. I wasn’t in the position the argue, and so was he.

so i thought great. i thought i had a couple more years to explore my passion. but now i have no choice what-so-ever…but as time passed, my family told me i had a choice. they also told me everyone that followed my dad ended up being succesful and lead themselves to the right path….

so now im faced with making a decision that will determine what i’ll be doing next fall, and the following four to eight years of my life (maybe).

many factors play into making my decision: guilt and burden… if i don’t comply with my dad’s last words family, money, emotions, and life in general.

“sigh” everyone tells me do whatever will make YOU happy, not everybody else’s desires.  best advice? but its more complicated that just that.

way more complicated. I want to do what i want. I want to stay here in the states and go to college here, not the Philippines. I dont know if i want to be a doctor, some sort of writer,something in public relations and communications, or language. But i know those are my choices. But what i do know, is whatever i do for a lifestyle… in the future.. i want to love it, have a passion for it, wake up every morning and happy to go to work.  i don’t want a job that is really stressful aka being a doctor. I don’t want a job that’ll take up most of my time, literally.

I want to be able to spend my time with the people i love and the things i love to do.

But i don’t want my family to look down upon me because i didn’t abide by my dad’s last words. I don’t want to live with the guilt with not abiding by my dad’s last words. I know it will haunt me.

But with time that will slowly fade, and in the long run everything’s going to allright. I hope.

For financial reasons, Im considering going to the Philippines, but other than that, I wish to live the rest of my life in the states.

But everything is so vague right now to make a final decision anyway, but until that is made, this will always be on my mind.

xoxo

iya.

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